Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.