Good morning ☺️
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Good lord
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Lmfao
