Good morning ☺️
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Chicago sounds lovely.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.