Good morning ☺️
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is