Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
somebody come look at this
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.