Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.