Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.