Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month