You Might Also Like
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
New skill unlocked
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that