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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
the duality of man
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.