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I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Thank you 🥹
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven