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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Okay
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir