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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Nomnomnomnom
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.