Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.