Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Follow me for more recipes

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Peace was never an option

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you