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Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,