Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning