Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

We found love in a hopeless place.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*