One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh