Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”
my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying