good news everyone
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*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
In banana years, I am bread.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about