Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.