good news everyone
You Might Also Like
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My dress code is business-casualty.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.