Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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War & Peace
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.