Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
This kid is going places
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
“We will wed,” I threatened
If my kids invented a drink.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING