Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I’m confused about plants
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.