Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
A Match(.com), but for socks.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
good morning
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else