Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
You Might Also Like
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My dryer is celebrating lint.