Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Who.
Did.
This?
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all