good news everyone
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
This is so me 😂😂