Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

😂

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Erm…

I am thick and tired. 🙄

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.