Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

If I ignore life will it go away?

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.