Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*