Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*