Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Dammit Chief not again

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

Need this in my life lol

😂

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

The dark side of Canada

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster