Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

“Why you watching this shit?”

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Hot hot hot 🥵

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.