Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
You Might Also Like
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Oh no
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
so much to do
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.