Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
tag yourself
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁