Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Good advice.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”