Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

Discuss

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.