Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Oh my God.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂