I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Just this preview of the story is enough
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”