Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
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🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
🤣🤣💀
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Morning.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails