Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
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My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.