Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
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I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Meanwhile in Portland…
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*