Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me in tagged photos
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.