Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-