Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”