Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
You Might Also Like
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”