Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…