Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

This seems like peak sibling energy

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.