Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop