Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

aura

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.