Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.