Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?