Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?