Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The three genders
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.