Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

“TGIM!” – My liver

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?