Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

the icebreaker

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils