Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Good boy 😂😂

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?