Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Always 🥴

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee