Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day