Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

*power walks to the refrigerator*

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

😂😂

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do