Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My life in a nutshell
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”