Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.