Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
New mindset, who dis?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.