Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me