Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

Is this a threat?

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

181.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”