Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.