Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said