Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
You Might Also Like
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!