Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count