Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
This is my favorite one of these!
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.