Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”