Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The pasta is now
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Alexa: *deep breath*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
