Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.