Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.