Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”