Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

This kinda thing happens to me often

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.