Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.